Well, I don't really hate it, but trying to organise people who really can't be bothered is a nightmare. It's my birthday, I don't see why I have to be stressed about sorting it out. Obviously it's my responsibility, but you would have thought that everyone would be more helpful about helping me. I don't like birthdays and celebrations and big groups like this, for that exact reason. And despite having sorted everything out, I know I will end up being the one who is left out. It still feels like I'm not part of the group. I'm starting to worry I never will be either. The people who I enjoy spending time with don't enjoy spending it with me. It's a stupid vicious circle. And thats why birthday's are so horrible.
I go in expecting that for once, I might not be left out and ignored and insulted. But it never happens. I couldn't face my friends last year. Just seeing them all so happy, and all ignoring me and the trouble I'd gone to for them to enjoy themselves was too painful. I wasn't happy. I had to keep leaving the room before I cried right in front of them. In some ways I wish I had, because then they might have understood why I hate being around them so much. They are my best friends, but they don't ever seem to like me. Everything I do is funny to them. Everything I say is ridiculous. And the worst part is that there is nowhere else for me to go. People don't like me, as a general rule. I was stupid to think that starting somewhere new would change that.
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