L plates

So I'm officially a learner driver. I had my first lesson this afternoon. It was incredible. I was awful, and no matter what mistakes I made, my instructor kept telling me that I was good. It was lovely of him, but he was obviously lying. It was wonderful to be that much in control. It was completely me driving that car. I may have been wobbling about all over the place, but it was all me. I loved it. I've been buzzing all day because of it.

I've booked my theory now as well. It's so scary. I've barely learnt anything yet, and I'm doing the test on the 28th October. I'm sure it will be fine, but I'm still nervous. I can't wait for the next lesson now!

I hate organising things

Well, I don't really hate it, but trying to organise people who really can't be bothered is a nightmare. It's my birthday, I don't see why I have to be stressed about sorting it out. Obviously it's my responsibility, but you would have thought that everyone would be more helpful about helping me. I don't like birthdays and celebrations and big groups like this, for that exact reason. And despite having sorted everything out, I know I will end up being the one who is left out. It still feels like I'm not part of the group. I'm starting to worry I never will be either. The people who I enjoy spending time with don't enjoy spending it with me. It's a stupid vicious circle. And thats why birthday's are so horrible.

I go in expecting that for once, I might not be left out and ignored and insulted. But it never happens. I couldn't face my friends last year. Just seeing them all so happy, and all ignoring me and the trouble I'd gone to for them to enjoy themselves was too painful. I wasn't happy. I had to keep leaving the room before I cried right in front of them. In some ways I wish I had, because then they might have understood why I hate being around them so much. They are my best friends, but they don't ever seem to like me. Everything I do is funny to them. Everything I say is ridiculous. And the worst part is that there is nowhere else for me to go. People don't like me, as a general rule. I was stupid to think that starting somewhere new would change that.

Last minute plans and bad fake tan

So about three hours before the HRC party was about to start, I decided Iwas going to go along. I don't really regret it, but the party was really not that good. The venue was too big for the amount of people, so the dance floor was a tiny group of people in the middle of a half empty room. Most people just stood outside. It was nice seeing everyone again though. I didn't really get to speak to most people though, so that was a bit rubbish.

The whole 'get off me AM' thing is really getting annoying. There's clearly nothing going on between us, so when people say it it doesn't make sense. If something was going on, I actually wouldn't mind at all. BM just doesn't stop saying it though. It was the first thing he said to me when he arrived - 'AM is here. Get off me AM'. I managed to relaliate by making some comment about him and RaR and RhR. I think he does actually like RhR from what he was saying last night.

***

I put fake tan on last night, just because my legs were looking that annoying faded colour, and it was a different colour to my arms. I put it on one leg, and looked at it and thought yeah that looks good, but then I did the other leg. I swear, my legs were two different colours. It was sososoo annoying. I was just panicking about it all night. Never again. Never again.

Life is good, despite boys

My life is really good right now. I woke up this morning and looked at my timetable and realised I was looking forward to the rest of the day. I looked at tomorrow's, and I realised I was looking forward to that too. I have never woken up and been excited for the rest of the day. There have been days when I am not dreading it, but I honestly cannot remember the last time that every day was exciting.

Maybe the novelty will wear off, but I really hope not.

***

I'm surprised I am not more upset about me and JL finishing. At first it was just strange that I could no longer call him my boyfriend, but now the only strange thing is how we don't really speak. He said 'let's still be friends', and I have every reason to believe he geniunely wanted us to be friends. I don't avoid speaking to him, but I can't deny it is awkward. It's difficult to know exactly what to say to him. And then there's the problem that I know I would start to like him again if we spent too much time together. I've always had a soft spot for him, and I don't see any reason for that to end now. Despite him being a really shocking boyfriend, he is still a lovely person - when he wants to be.

I told MG that the 'boys are queueing up for me', and when I really think about it, in lots of ways they are. MT is talking to me again, but it still feels like he is only after one thing. And AM is doing no end of flirting. I never know when he is genuine though, so it could just be that flirting is all it is, or it could be that he's after the same thing as MT, and right at the end of the scale is that he actually does like me. It seems a little far-fetched, so I'm not going to think about that theory too much. There are boys at college, but the only guys I have met who I might be interested in are taken. OF COURSE. Even then, I'm still trying to build up a network of friends before I can think about boys.

Besides, I told CS that I would be upset if JL got into another relationship just yet, and I would. So it's hardly fair for me to do the same. I miss the hugging etc. I need a boy who'll hug me when I want to! There is JH of course. But that's different, because he's gay. It just isn't the same.

Getting old...

It's my birthday on Sunday. I usually wake up one the day of my birthday, convinced that something good will happen that day. More often than not, it doesn't. I don't feel any different.

This year, though, I think I will do. I've suddenly got more friends to celebrate it with, and this new age will bring me priveleges I have never even thought of before. It's a bit scary. And its not only that - for some reason, this academic year, I am more independant. I feel older. I am older, really.

It's a wierd thought, growing up. It's so exciting, and every adult I know reminds me, but I'm scared about it all. Choosing university's and courses. I have been thinking about my future for years now, but this is it now. I need to decide. And I haven't got a clue where to start.